madalas kapag may nagkwekwento sa akin ng kanilang lovelife at kamartyran e parang gusto ko silang batukan at sabihing "alam mo naman kung ano ang tama diba, kung mahal ka niya e bakit sinasaktan ka niya, bakit ka umiiyak ngayon, at bakit kahit pa ilang timba ang iniiyak mo e parati ka pa ding bumabalik sa kaniya? nagsasayang ka lang ng oras mo at marami pa naman iba dyan,  huwag kang magpakatanga."

yan din dialogue ko sa sarili ko ngayon. ang hirap pala. kahit ayaw mong magpakatanga at kahit ayaw mong mabansagang martyr e kapag ikaw pala ang nasa sitwasyon hindi pala ganun kadaling umalis nalang. hindi ganun kadaling sabihin sa sarili ko na hiwalayan mo na sya kasi lagi ka nalang umiiyak. hindi madaling talikuran yung taong nagbigay din naman sa iyo ng saya. ang hirap pala.

parang naduduro ang puso ko, hindi ako makahinga, hindi ako makaiyak kasi hindi nila pwedeng makitang umiiyak ako, gusto kong sumigaw pero hindi din pwede kasi baka magtanong sila. ang hirap ng ganito. inilalabas ko lang ang nararamdaman ko dito kasi wala naman ako makausap.

siguro maraming nararanasan ang pinagdadaanan ko, at yung iba e hindi lang ito, mas malaki pa ang problema nila. habang naglalakad nga ako last week e naisip ko din naman na wala akong karapatang magreklamo dahil hindi naman talaga malaki ang problema ko, problemang puso lang ito. maswerte pa din ako.

pasensya na kayo hindi organized ang thoughts ko. at least medyo lumuwag na ang nararamdaman ko. salamat sa buhay ko. alam ko may planong maganda para sa akin si Lord. salamat po.

namimiss ko na ang pumunta sa baguio. ang malamig na bus, ang nakakahilong byahe. ang malamig na klima paglabas ng bus.

namimiss ko na ang pakiramdam ng naeexcite na makita ka. yung ilang araw akong hindi makatulog dahil gusto ko nang hilain ang araw para magkita na tayo. namimiss ko na ang pagplaplano ng mga gagawin natin kapag magkasama na tayo.

namimiss ko na ang mata mo na nawawala kapag tumatawa ka na. namimiss ko na ang kamay mo na umaakbay sa akin at humahawak sa aking kamay tuwing tayo ay naglalakad. namimiss ko na ang mukha mong hindi ko napagsasawaang tingnan kahit sa iyong pagtulog. namimiss ko na ang pagdala mo sa akin  ng pagkain pagkagising natin sa umaga. namimiss ko na ang pag-aalaga mo. namimiss ko na ang pagmamahal mo.

I called once, twice, three times and more, I already lost count since seems like it was forever waiting for you to pick up.  Sometimes you do answer the phone, most of the time you don't. You tell me you were doing something, you didn't hear the phone ring and you don't have you're phone beside you and wasn't able to read my messages. Damn. Why do I still keep on believing you? Why do I still call? Why do I still keep thinking if you're ok? Once you pick up the phone we always have another fight, here I go again asking you why you didn't answer immediately and there you go saying the same reasons. What should i do now? I'm broken inside and I don't know what to do. I want to believe you. I want to wait for you but why should I wait for you? Are you worth it? You're the reason why sometimes i'm happy but most of the time you're the reason why I feel this way, hurt. I'm broken and you keep on breaking me into pieces everyday. I want my heart back. I want my life back.

Napapagod na ako. Pagod sa trabaho. Pagod sa pamilya. Pagod sa relasyon. Bakit ba sa araw-araw na dumadaan lalo lang bumibigat ang loob ko.

Sa trabaho masaya naman ako, gusto ko ang ginagawa ko pero parang kulang lang talaga ang lakas ko. Hindi ko tuloy maibigay ang buo kong sarili sa mga estudyante ko. Kulang pa din. May sakit pa ako ngayong linggong ito kaya nalulungkot ako dahil wala akong magawa dahil katawan ko na ang sumusuko. Kasasabi lang sa amin kanina na may susunod akong klase pagkatapos nito, ok lang gusto kong marami akong ginagawa para mapagod ako at mas madali akong makakatulog. Kapag may pasok lagi kong binibilang ang mga araw para sabado na naman, para makapagpahinga naman ako. Pero pagdating ng sabado hinihiling ko na sana lunes na kasi gusto ko ng maubos ulit  ang oras ko. Ang gulo pero gusto kong mapagod para makapagpahinga muli.

Sa pamilya ko hindi ko na alam kung ano ang nangyayari. Hindi na nag-uusap ang mga magulang ko. Siguro pagod na din sila sa isa't isa. Hindi ko na makita ang pag-ibig sa kanilang dalawa, puro galit sa mga panahong nagkasama sila at sa mga nangyari nung hindi sila magkasama. Malabo nang magkabalikan ang kuya ko at ang asawa niya at hindi namin makita ang mga pamangkin ko dahil hindi kami pinapayagan ng nanay nila. Nilamon na ata siya ng kinang na binibigay ng pera, pero masaya ba siya sa ginawa niya sa pamilya niya. Siguro nagtatapang-tapangan lang siya pero alam kong nasasaktan din siya. Sa kapatid kong babae, malapit na ang araw na babalik sya para magbakasyon. makakapagpahinga na din sya pagkatapos ng dalawang taon ng pagtratrabaho. Sana maenjoy niya ang uwi nya, sayang hindi ko sya masasamahan kasi may trabaho ako.

Sa relasyon, meron nga ba, meron pa ba? Lagi nalang walang oras. Wala na akong maramdamang pagmamahal. Sabi dati ng pari sa simbahan namin kung magmahal ka dapat wala kang hinihintay na anumang kapalit, ibigay ang lahat at wag umasa sa kahit anuman. Napakagandang pakinggan kaso ang hirap isabuhay. Ang dami kong tanong, bakit lagi nalang ganito. Hindi ba talaga ako makakahanap ng taong mamahalin din ako. Siguro kasalanan ko din, masyado akong naghahanap kaya lalo lang akong nasasaktan dahil sa kakaasa ko. Pagod na naman ang puso ko. Gusto ko ng magpahinga, pero muli akong aasa dahil alam ko na may plano para sa akin. Sa ngayon bahala na muna, mabubuhay nalang ako sa bawat araw. Siguro dadating din ang tamang panahon na magiging masaya na din ako.

Kanina pag gising ko hindi ako kaagad bumangon, may hinihintay kahit alam kong hindi mangyayari. Ano nga ba ang hinihintay ko, siguro isang milagro. Naisip ko haharap nalang ako sa computer at isusulat ko kung ano ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Naka-online din pala ang isa kong kaibigan sa opisina. Bilib ako sa kaniya, ang lakas ng pananampalataya niya. Pinagdasal niya ako, siguro nararamdaman niya din ang pagod ko. Pagkatapos ng dasal e naiyak ako. Ang dami ko nga sigurong prinoproblem sa buhay ko at nakakalimot na akong magkwento sa Kaniya. Pwede kong sabihin sa Kaniya kung ano ang nararamdaman ko, iniipon ko kasi lahat sa loob ko. Wala na kasi ako makausap e. Lagi nalang akong nag-iisip tuwing naglalakad ako, sa biyahe kong napakahaba. Iniisip ko ang buhay ko. Hindi na ako masaya. Pinipilit kong mangarap at ilipad ang isip ko sa ibang mundo. Sana isang araw makarating ako sa mundo na nabuo sa isipan ko. Ipipikit ko nalang muna siguro ang aking mga mata, at hihiling na sa aking pagmulat ibang mundo naman ang aking makikita. Sa mundong makakangiti na ulit ako at masasabi kong masaya ang buhay ko.

I've been feeling depressed this past few days. Maybe it's because of the holidays. We've been having some family problems and no matter how hard i try to ignore them i can't stop myself from thinking of the better years we've had before. Well i think the only solution to make myself feel better is to think of the nice things that happened this year.

I can already sleep well since two of the people that i think I've hurt before are now back to my life and we're friends again.

My ex-boyfriend. I was doing my usual admin work at the office when i received an invitation in my YM. I had to close my eyes and open it again thinking that i was only dreaming. We haven't been talking for the last 5 years. We didn't end up in a good way when we broke up. We just didn't talk anymore, which made me sad for a lot of years since we had a lot of friends in common and i know they have been wanting us to talk since it has been a lot of years ago. When i received the YM invite, all i could say is are you sure that you know who you're inviting. He said yes and that's where it started. We started talking and telling stories of what happened to our lives the past few years. We went out twice already to have lunch. At first it was very awkward since i didn't know what to feel, but the second was great. It seems like nothing bad has happened to us and were friends again. It was nice knowing that you have a friend back in your life.

My cousin. I had done things in the past that hurt her. It was not my intention but i knew that it affected her a lot. It also affected my relationship with some of my relatives. i know no matter how hard i try to fix things, it will never be the same. Every year when we had our vacation i would see her and we were casual. But it was not the same way as our relationship anymore, we were very close when we were growing up but we grew apart because of what happened almost 10 years ago. One day i opened my friendster account and again i was surprised to see a message coming from her saying that she's ok now and she wants us to be ok, like what we were when we were young. It was a relief reading the message. We started texting as well like friends. I know she is going through a lot right now and i was there to listen to her problems. When we went to the province  i saw her there and the invisible wall that came between us before was no longer there . It was nice talking to her again.

Others might say that they don't care if some people come and go. I'm the type who would like to have people come and stay. Friends might be there once in a while but once i have a friend he/she will always be a friend, no matter how short the friendship was you'll never be forgotten. I also value my family a lot. If i could just share all the blessings that God had given me i will always do it for them.

Now these are some of the things that i should be thankful of this past year. Aside from the other blessings that i've been receiving. It's not the material things that matter but the relationships that i have with people who i value a lot.

In a few more days it will be 2009. I know God has a plan for me and my family, whether it be good or bad i know He has a purpose and i will prepare myself to face all the challenges that will go my way. I feel nervous and excited for the coming year since i don't know what's going to happen but whatever it is i'll do my best to have a wonderful year ahead.

What makes you stay?

I love what i'm doing. When i was interviewed for my position they asked me why do you want to be a trainer?

Because i love teaching. I want to touch other's lives. Sounds corny? Maybe but that's my purpose.

I attended a funeral a few years back. The man lying inside the coffin was a family friend's son. He was so young. He died before he was 30 and left 2 kids. I know he had a great life. He had a happy family. He had lots of friends. We stayed there for a few hours. I was getting bored because i didn't have friends with me. I know the people, but we were just acquaintances. I stood up and checked a wall filled with letters. I started reading them. I had to stop myself from crying then. The letters came from his friends. Letters that contained what they are feeling about him, how he was a part of their lives. Every story i read was a happy one but still it left me very sad. 

He was very fortunate to have a lot of people loving him a lot. It was just a short stay here on Earth but he definitely fulfilled his purpose. He made others happy. I sat down and i began thinking what would others feel when i died.

When they told me that i was accepted for the position, i had mixed emotions. Are they serious? Can i really be a trainer? I started doubting if i can reach their expectations.

When i was young i wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to take up education when i was in college but my parents wanted me to take up Chemical Engineering. And so i did what they wanted. It was really hard for me because my heart wasn't there. I wanted to teach because i wanted to prepare my students for their future. I wanted to make a difference but that dream didn't happen because i had a different course, not related to what i want to do.

During college there were ups and downs. I learned a lot, more about life rather than school. After graduation i took up the board exam but God had a different plan for me.

I was having my final interview for a company related to my course. My phone rang and when i answered it was a man asking me if i could show up for my contract signing for one of the call centers in makati. Of course i showed up because i was being practical, they were offering a better package.

After 2 years working with my company, my supervisor told me that he wanted to talk to me. What was running inside my head was, what is it this time? Did i do something wrong again. Of course not, i know i was doing my job well but still i always had that idea that i'm always screwing things up. My sup told me that our manager might be interviewing me because he recommended me to be a peer mentor. I told him ok, nothing sure for now. I went back to my chair and after 10 minutes my manager pressed meeting mode. She told me i was going to have my training on Monday. I was expecting we will just be helping out agents while they were taking calls. Nobody told us that we were going to be peer trainers. What a training it was. I was so scared, everyday we had to discuss a topic in front of our trainers, managers, supervisors, program director. Pressure!

That was the start. I had a lot feedbacks then, negative and positive. I didn't know if my students were learning anything from me. I was just teaching then, doing my job.

After 5 years. I'm still teaching. What's different now is i am more relaxed, more confident. And I love what i'm doing. After each class there would be agents coming up to me, telling me their experiences, asking for advice.

It's always great to look back and remember where you came from. There might have been changes but as long as you know what you're goal is you'll never go wrong. And God actually led me to where i wanted to be.

I want to touch other people's lives. No matter how short you were with them people would remember you. Maybe not your name just your face. Or maybe just your name but not the face.

Maybe when i die i would also have that wall filled with letters of how i touched their lives. I want that wall. I would go up in heaven smiling because i know that i have served my purpose. I left a footstep in your heart.

 

Walang laman. Paulit-ulit. Nakakasawa

Yun parang gigising ka, gagawin mo yung mga lagi mong ginagawa. Kakain, maliligo at pupunta na sa office. Pagkatapos ng siyam na oras sa trabaho uuwi na, kakain ulit at matutulog. Pauli-ulit sa araw-araw.Tapos hindi mo namamalayang 5 taon mo na pala halos ginagawa ito.

Oo nga minsan lalakad ka kasama ang barkada, pamilya at mahal sa buhay pero pagkatapos uulit na naman sa dati. Nakakabagot na.

Ano nga ba ang susunod?

May susunod pa nga ba?

Ang hirap isipin, ang sakit sa ulo. Andami ko kasing plano pero puro plano lang.

Mas madalas ngayon lumilipad lang ang isip ko. Binubuo ko ang ang mga pangarap. Ang sarap palang ipikit ang mata at lumipad sa ibang mundo. Sa mundong pinapangarap mo.

Minsan ayoko ng dumilat at makadinig ng boses dahil alam kong pagdilat ko babalik na naman ako sa aking mundo. Sa mundong gumagalaw, sa mundong maingay, sa mundong magulo.

Pero bakit parang hindi umiikot ang mundo ko? Bakit ganito ang pakiramdam ko?

 

Until when should a person wait for her one true love?

How would you know if it's really true love?

Why should you wait for your true love?

A lot of times people would easily find answers for these questions. Questions coming from the heart..

Until when should you wait? For those who are hopeless romantics they would be answering that they can wait forever.

How would you know if it's true love? A lot would answer if you'll get butterflies in your stomach, if you can't sleep at night because whenever you close your eyes it's their face that you see.

Why should you wait for true love? For you to be happy.

People might have different answers. Some may find it stupid, some might find worth it. You might agree with these or have different opinions but no matter what your view is regarding love it is a great feeling that could overpower anyone whether you'd be the smartest or the richest person in the world. You should hold onto your seats because surely you'd be taken on a wild ride.

yehey no work tomorrow! and yes i just thoought of visiting this site! sorry friends if i haven't been updating this for such a long time and since i have time today i will be writing some lines.

Last night i saw a poster that was given to me when i was still in college. It's a poster of the concert that we organized a lot of years ago. My former college friends (some of them are still my friends until now, some i don't know if they still know that i exist) It was an old poster which brought back lots of memories. How happy we were during those days. It contained messages which made me smile.

5 years had passed but it seems just yesterday that we were running on the gym, on the student council office, on the school guardian's office like we were kids. Kids that had lots of responsibilities but we didn't care at all. We were having fun.

I still remember those days when we went to Baguio, that was a blast. We spent 3 days together in one room. We discovered a lot of things about each other. We developed a friendship that no one could ever replace.

I miss my friends. Most of them have their own families now. No more time to go out and celebrate. No more time for long talks. But once we see each other it seems like itime had never passed. We were still the same people the only thing that changed is that we were talking more seriously about our lives, about our future.

I miss the old days when i didn't have to think of going to work. When i didn't have to think of spending too much on transportation, groceries, food, etc. I miss those days when our classes were cancelled and we would go directly to the mall or a friend's house to just spend the rest of the day chatting, singing or eating. I miss those days when i always used the phone at home to call my friends. I seldom do that now, i haven;t used the phone for such a long time and i haven't called my friends for such a long ttime.

I don't know why. Maybe because i'm just too busy with work. Maybe i'm just making excuses.

Yesterday i went to this Ukay-Ukay shop and i stayed there for more than an hour. It was my first time to visit that store alone, and it was super fun. Maybe because i didn't have too think of hurrying up to go to work or finish all the admin work i have. I didn't care at all. I was able to buy 1 original adidas jogging pants, 1 cool jacket, and a pants, and i only spent 150php. When i arrived i showed my family what i bought and told them to guess how much each item cost and nobody was able to guess it correctly. haha. I never thought we could spend so little for such great stuff. Maybe i'd go there again next week. =)

Thanks for spending your time reading my nonsense entry. Sorry if it's not a great one. Maybe next time. I just want to remove some of the stress i've been having for the past few months. I feel great now! 

 

 

 

 

i know it's been more than a year since i've written something here. Sorry. i've just been too busy with everything. well a lot had happened in 1 year and i can't say it all here. all i know is that i'm happy with the way things are going. at the same time confused and scared. ever felt like what you're feeling is consuming everything in you. ever felt like the feeling is so strong that you can't think right. yes here i go again. i don't know if it's right but whenever you're there i know it's right. que sera sera! i'll leave this question for you to answer. which one will you choose, whatever's right or whatever makes you happy. why can't it be the two? because there's no perfect world.